“Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Every child is taught this life lesson some time in kindergarten. Usually it is right after they make fun of the fat kid or the girl with the lazy eye. When it comes to people, yes these are good words to live by. However I am here to tell you that first impressions are important. The guy that comes off like a bit of a prick the first time you meet him probably is one.

This idiom holds true for modern cinema. Before a movie comes out we are treated to a two-minute clip that is supposed to entice us to pay good money to see more. For the most part I won’t pay. It has nothing to do with the fact that I have a small cash flow problem, it is because most movies I see are crap. The trailers of films that do fool me will usually let me down in theaters.

Now, I have seen a lot of movies. I believe that I have in fact seen enough that I can pick a winner from a mile away. So in order to prove this I am going to give my thoughts on several movies before I have had a chance to see them. This month I cover everything from Camp Crystal lake to New York City.

Friday the 13th

The slasher film has always been a bit of a mystery to me. So many times while watching them I find myself absentmindedly shouting at the screen things like “Don’t go in there!” and “You know that is going to be trouble.” In fact, I find that with any good slasher film I actually find myself rooting for the killer. I mean there must be something very liberating about being a seven-foot tall demigod with the ability to hack your way through mountains of teenagers. Admit it, you have at one time in your life dreamed about the same thing.

The slasher movie however has seemed to have gone the way of the dodo. The simple truth is that very rarely are they scary anymore (something that is a definite no-no for a scary movie!) I suppose that the only viable options left for slasher flicks are ones that have already been done a million times before.

The latest attempt is of course the recent remake of Friday the 13th. This franchise was so popular that Jason Voorhees is one of the most recognizable serial killers with his hockey mask and machete.

Now, I personally abhor remakes. They are usually lazy attempts to bring a once popular character back into the limelight. There was nothing wrong with the first movie. In fact it stands as one of the classics of modern horror. So why remake it? I have a theory. I believe that an unspoken rule in storytelling is “Once a character goes to space, there is no turning back.” If you recall Jason went to space about eight years ago. Since then his machete has simply been gathering dust. It was time to take him back to his roots at Camp Crystal Lake and set him loose on the teenagers of the new millennium.

This movie will be bad. That is all there is to it. Releasing a horror movie in February might seem like a good idea for Valentines Day, but I do not recommend taking a date to it if you want some of that much sought after “Valentines nookie.”

Fired Up

Oh good! Just what we needed. Another American Pie style knock off about high school boys doing their darndest to get laid. In this movie the two boys in question are football players who decide that the best way to get some is by quitting the football team and joining the cheerleaders for an exciting week away at cheer camp. I was never popular in high school but even I know that the jocks get the girls, not the male cheerleaders. With a situation like this how can hilarity not ensue?

Now I obviously haven’t seen it yet however this movie is so formulaic that I can probably lay the plot out for you know.

1.    “Bright” idea – lets go to cheer camp instead
2.    Gross-out scene.
3.    Individual conquests by the boys
4.    More gross out “humor”
5.    Serious emotional moment
6.    Big finale
7.    Roll credits

I am so sick of seeing crap like this. Sure a gross out teen comedy can be funny. That has been proven. But Fired Up just seems like another very poor attempt in a saturated genre.

All About Steve

I have never really been a fan of romantic comedies. In fact I have a list of many, many things I would rather do than sit through one (Ask me about it sometime!). All About Steve is no exception to this rule.

In this excuse for a movie Sandra Bullock plays the same “quirky but oddly compelling” romantic lead that we have seen no less than thirty seven times before. In this outing she seems to follow a news cameraman across the country in order to woo him. Naturally over the course of the film he will come to love her quirks and they will both live happily ever after.
This reeks of “tired old premise.” Like most romantic comedies it is the age-old story of boy meets girl, they go through difficult times and comic mishaps, they laugh, they cry, they grow a little and they end up living happily ever after. The only thing special and unique about this one is… NOTHING!!!

Another thing about this bothers me. I don’t care how physically attractive your female lead is. A normal person would cut her off once they realized she was bat shit crazy. As soon as I find out that she is stalking me I would put a restraining order out on her. I wouldn’t want to get to know her unique and special charm and have her grow on me. It is much more likely that what she calls ‘charm’ is a front for a psychotic, bunny-boiling, nut!

Remember, first impressions are important. Mine tells me to run like hell from this train wreck.

Watchmen

Finally, Here is the one movie on this list that I am excited about. Watchmen follows a team of costumed vigilantes in an alternative 1985 that is on the brink of a full scale nuclear conflict with the soviet union. What starts with a simple murder mystery eventually reveals a plot that could endanger the entire world. All in a days work for a superhero, right?

This movie is probably the first blockbuster of 2009 and I have to admit, this is one that I will pony up the cash to see. I have read the original graphic novel and there is a reason that it is considered to be one of the best of all time. However I cannot help but shake the feeling that something about this movie will disappoint me. Maybe it is the fact that I have such high expectations, or maybe it is because of director Zack Snyder’s previous movie 300. I feel that if Snyder does his crazy slow motion/ fast motion bullcrap with Watchmen it could destroy what is a deep and compelling story. There is also the disturbing rumor that Mr. Snyder has changed the ending in order to make the story more engaging to modern audiences who wouldn’t understand the intricate details involved with angst and the cold war.  Now I understand that certain aspects of stories need to be adapted in order to play better on the big screen. However I cannot figure out how Watchmen could have any other ending than its original one. I suppose in this way I am a purist.

Watchmen has the potential to follow in the footsteps of The Dark Knight in terms of successful comic book movies. If it is done improperly however, we will see something closer to Ghost Rider. Either way this is one movie where I am forking over the twelve bucks to actually see it.