Here we are post-Oscars, now the year in film can truly begin. It always seems that everything that is released before the Academy hands out their awards is simply garbage dumped on an unsuspecting public, now we can finally start to see some quality entertainment…

Or maybe not. It looks to me that nearly everything that is coming out in the next month is just more bile, however, we are starting to see some quality shining through. There may be a few hidden gems in the next month like Duplicity (could be fun) or I Love You, Man (could be funny). Yes I might want to see these eventually but I am not going to review them. Where would be the fun in reviewing something that I actually like?

This month in my quest to save my pocket change I took a quick glance at movies that range from charming to nauseating. Who says snap judgments aren’t right?

Know1ng

 

Nicholas Cage is a bit of an enigma to me these days, I know that he is a good actor. He has proven this to me time and time again. His performances in movies like Raising Arizona, Leaving Las Vegas, and Adaptation are proof that Nicky can turn out a good performance when he puts his mind to it. Unfortunately he seems to only want to make movies that he knows are going to suck.

In his latest stink fest, Know1ng, Cage plays a scientist of some sort who finds a list of numbers. As it turns out these numbers correspond to every disaster in human history and when they run out the world will end. Either that or the guy that wrote them all down merely ran out of paper. It is all up to our hero Mr. “shouldn’t-be-allowed-to-pick-his-own-projects-anymore” to save the world from certain destruction.

Really Nick? You couldn’t think of any other movie you would like to be in? You must get hundreds of scripts every month, yet you always choose to play the same role in every damn movie you are in. You like to be the unlikely hero trying to thwart Armageddon with some sort of uncanny ability, all that varies is what that ability is. This time it is numbers, previously it's been psychic powers, physical prowess, knowledge of American history, or John Travolta’s face.
Nick, do us all a favour and fire your agent before you do even more damage to that thing that you could once call your career.

Monsters Vs. Aliens

 

I will admit I am a sucker for a good “family film.” Any movie that is somehow able to draw the attention of adults and children alike must be something special. Often times when you see a movie that is labeled as family oriented, it really means that it is a good movie for kids to see, but adults will be bored with it. I have sat through many a terrible kids flick both as a child (which I may have liked at the time but now look back on with disgust) and as a camp counselor watching after children. Monsters Vs Aliens however, looks like one of the good ones.

Monsters Vs Aliens follows a group of celebrity voiced monsters who have been captured by a rough and tumble army general. These monsters are kept in an underground complex until they are recruited to protect the earth against an invading alien force.

I believe this movie will work for a number of reasons: from the trailer the humor seems to have hit that magic sweet spot that Shrek was able to years ago with a story, while seemingly lazy and thrown together on one level, is probably just stupid enough to be quite charming. The best part, of course, is the all-star cast that has been put together. Most notable is Seth Rogan who seems to be like a comedy god these days.

The one thing about this flick that is curious is not the movie itself, but the fact that it is the latest in a growing trend of 3D films, a fad that comes and goes about every 8 or 9 years. To me it has always seemed like a gimmick just to get people into the theatre and personally I am not buying it. It is not the wave of the future nor was it when it was first introduced fifty years ago. Movies should be allowed to stand on their own merits and it appears that Monsters Vs Aliens has them.

Dragonball Evolution

 

Is it just me or does every kid at one point in their life go through an anime phase? I certainly did when I was twelve years old. I thought Pokemon was the greatest thing I had ever laid my hands on. Like most kids at the time I played it on my Gameboy constantly trying to catch ‘em all. Sure, the show was stupid, but I challenge you to point out an anime show that isn’t.

The other anime love affair in my life was a little show called Dragonball Z. In this ‘masterpiece,’ the heroes of earth, led by the near god-like Goku, would defend the universe from all sorts of alien tyrants bent on total domination. In order to prevent this they would use martial arts and the mystical dragonballs to summon the eternal dragon and grant a wish. Usually they wished to restore the lives of all the civilians caught in the cross-fire of their epic struggle. Dragonball Evolution is the live action and Americanized movie based on the Japanese show.

I have long been able to take off my rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia to see some of the stuff from my childhood as the stupid crap that it really was. I may have loved Dragonball back in the day but I think it was because it was violent. As a prepubescent adolescent boy, anything with fighting and killing would have pushed the right buttons. The show was awful: the animation was bad, the dubbing was bad, and the story pacing was bad (There would literally be five or six episodes in a row of characters charging up attacks). How can a show of this quality make a decent movie? It can’t and it won’t. I would avoid this one like you avoid the thirty year old man-child who is living in his parents’ basement and still into this kind of thing.

Hannah Montana: The Movie

 

(Spews violently into a trashcan) Phew! Now that I have that out of the way I can try to say something about this next movie, I cannot promise that I will be able to get through it without losing my lunch again but I will do my best!

In (shudder) Hannah Montana: The Movie, Miley Cyrus is forced to give up the life of glamour that she is so accustomed to and return to being a normal teenager. Who forces her? Why it is none other than her one-hit-wonder exploitative father Billy Ray! From there I naturally assume that adventure will ensue and we will all learn a little bit more about ourselves and the nature of the universe.

Disney seems to have stumbled across a money making goldmine. All you have to do is take a teenager, have them sing about stuff, and eleven year old girls all across the world will throw hoards of their parents’ money at you. It has worked for them for years and with High School Musical 3 being one of the highest grossing films of 2008, they just had to give Miley a shot at the big screen.

This movie will be an absolute train wreck. In fact, it pains me to even call it a movie. It is more like an excuse for the marketing department at Disney to make butt loads of money by preying on little girls. Yes it is as disturbing as it sounds. Think about it. By using one teenage girl they are able to exploit millions of even younger girls and it is making me nauseous again just thinking about it. You will have to excuse me once more while I make another deposit into my Upchuck Disposal Unit ™ .