First impressions are important. We all know this even if we do not admit it. To me, this holds especially true for the modern art of cinema. Every year producers spend millions of dollars on promotional materials designed to make you, the consumer, go out and spend fifteen dollars to see the latest piece of schlock. They have to make their money back somehow right?

Well fear no more for confusion as I am a self-proclaimed expert at cinema and the art of the trailer. Here are my reviews of movies coming out this month that I have not seen, and for the most part, don’t plan on ever seeing.

Year One

Once upon a time in my life I used to love stupid comedies. A film could be one of the worst ever made, but as long as it made me laugh, it would be acceptable in my book. However, over the years I seem to have grown wiser and significantly more cynical. Now a really stupid comedy needs to show me something special in order for it to earn a passing grade.

Year One fails to do this on all accounts. The film stars Jack Black and Michael Cera as two hapless cavemen who seem to stumble upon society and the hilarity naturally ensues. At least it is supposed to. I have yet to see anything in any of the trailers that particularly tickles my funny bone.

Believe it or not it has nothing to do with the fact that I feel like I have seen this before. Both Mel Brooks and The Monty Python Gang have both made comedies taking place in Ancient Rome and their respective films, History of the World and The Life of Brian are considered to be classics of cinema. Besides these two, though, a comedy during this time is largely unexplored territory.

My problem is that it simply isn’t funny. Putting Black and Cera in strange times and hoping for comedic gold is not a winning formula in my book. On the other hand, it is reassuring to know that Michael Cera will be exactly the same no matter what era we are in.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

It breaks my heart to say that despite all of the big budget action movies that have already come and gone this summer, Transformers will end up being the highest grossing film of 2009. That’s right, I am calling it here. This enormous pile of dung will somehow transform into the shining beacon of the summer season.

Transformers, for the three of you who are confused, is about warring groups of robots from space who disguise themselves on earth as everyday vehicles (hence the catchphrase ‘Robots in Disguise.’) The concept is based on an old cartoon from the eighties that was another excuse to sell toys to impressionable children. I admit I used to be such a child. I had a few transformers and there was something ridiculously fun about changing a Mac Truck into a killer robot and back again. It was like two toys in one!

My apprehension comes from the fact that the first movie a few years ago was laughably stupid. Perhaps this is another case of my rose tinted glasses being removed and seeing the crap for what it truly was. In any case I will be avoiding Transformers 2 like a bad cold.

Public Enemies

For as long as I can remember, gangsters have been romanticized. Think carefully, how many different films, and stories about organized crime can you list off the top of your head. Personally I can think of about a dozen without even delving into some of the less than stellar ones. This is the reason that I am predicting that despite a stellar cast, Public Enemies will fade into obscurity and be forgotten.

Public Enemies is a biopic about the life and times of infamous bank robber John Dillinger, here played by Johnny Depp. Dillinger is a ruthless thug, whose natural charisma makes him likeable and thus, naturally, a folk hero to the masses. Dillinger, however, is still pursued by Johnny Law, here played by Christian Bale.

As I have stated before I have seen so many films that have dealt with this subject. In fact Bonnie and Clyde jumps to mind for being so ridiculously similar. Furthermore, Public Enemies doesn’t really appear to bring anything new to the table in terms of the genre. As stated earlier, this film is doomed to fall off our collective radars and end up being nothing more than another piece of movie trivia.

Bruno

We started this month with a stupid comedy, it seems only fitting that we are ending this month with a stupid comedy. Sacha Baron Cohen returns with a new movie following the same style as the smash hit Borat.

This time Cohen plays Bruno, the gay Austrian fashion critic. Bruno spends the movie interviewing people and deliberately pissing them off.  In other words he is doing the exact same thing that he did with Borat.

Believe it or not I am actually stumped with this film. Normally I am willing to make judgments on things I haven’t seen, and still manage to have a clean conscience. With Bruno I am not coming down on either side. From what I have seen from the trailers (specifically the Red Band Trailer) this movie looks hilarious. Scenes of Bruno making scenes with rednecks, fashion gurus, Ron Paul, and an adopted African baby genuinely make me laugh. At the same time, I find that I am hesitant. Cohen is doing the exact same shtick that he pulled with Borat. This time however it is with a character who is supposed to be civilized enough to know better.

Should you Bother with Bruno? Chances are that if you liked Borat you can not miss with Bruno.

Other Films

I can’t quite review all movies coming out this month. Here is a quick list of what else to expect this next month and my thoughts about which ones to avoid.

The Proposal – Hmm, another romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock. What do you think?

Whatever Works – Brave choice for Woody Allen casting Larry David. Who knows, it might pan out.

The Hurt Locker – It is impossible to tell a war story when we are still fighting in that war.

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs – A concept so old it is frozen

I love you Beth Cooper – I hate you, producers of this film!