I haven’t seen the movies that I am about to review. For the most part, I do not really plan to. Part of the reason is the cost of the ticket is far too much for my poor wallet to endure every week. However for the most part it is the principle that I shouldn’t have to pay for a film that I know will be crap. After being bombarded with so many advertisements in my life, I can tell a stinker just by looking at the previews. So here are this months picks on what to avoid and what might be worth a few bucks.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

It seems to me that a typical Harry Potter fan has a level of devotion that is almost parallel to that of a devout evangelist, or short of that a trekkie. I had a friend who was so completely enamored with the prepubescent wizard that he would literally respond with violence and malicious intent towards any person that would defame the stories or his love for them. Believe it or not, this is considered a mild response. We all know the tales of people lining up for days before hand just to receive a copy of J.K. Rowling’s latest tale from Hogwarts.

I admit that I have read through all seven novels in the Harry Potter series. However, upon my arriving at the end of the series I was left with a general feeling of what can only be described as ‘meh.’ The books are not particularly well written and towards the end, it felt almost like Rowling was trying desperately to make all loose ends fit, even if they were only minor details. A sort of “I meant to do that” mentality that we don’t tolerate from anyone besides storytellers.

As mediocre as the books were, the movies for the most part have been downright atrocious. I was actually baffled when the last film (which is the weakest book of the series) used spinning newspapers in order to advance the story. Needless to say, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince has the bar set pretty low.

I for one think it will fail to reach those expectations. Besides a stunning lack of precedent for a good Harry Potter film, the latest story was incredibly dull. It was very much a transitional volume in the work and besides the ‘twist’ at the end of the story, nothing really happens. Unless something truly magical happens, the latest chapter in this whiny wizard's tale will be just as bad as the previous installments.

The Ugly Truth

In case it hasn’t already been made abundantly clear in previous installments, I have a special loathing when it comes to a romantic comedy. I am so completely and utterly bored with ‘boy meets girl’ type stories. Maybe they are truly bad movies, maybe testosterone always takes over when they are mentioned, or maybe I am just angry and bitter. Whatever the case may be I am unable to overcome my prejudice when it comes to The Ugly Truth. To be honest, I didn’t try very hard.

The Ugly Truth stars Katherine Heigel and Gerard Butler as two television personalities that dispense dating and relationship advice. Heigel, being the sophisticated woman that she is, wants nothing more than to meet prince charming. Butler, having a dick, thinks exclusively with it. He begins coaching her to meet and seduce a man and of course hilarity ensues.

I get it, really I do. Men are pigs and women are repressed. However, when both work together to overcome their natural, stereotypical instincts, they can get together and find true love and happiness. What truly bugs me is this concept that women don’t think about sex like men do. I know I am hardly an authority on the subject but if my female friends and the internet have taught me anything it is that women are nymphos and have sexual thoughts just as often as any man.

Funny People

For the past few years Judd Apatow has been widely hailed as the second coming of comedy Jesus. He is like regular Jesus, but has a really chill attitude when it comes to off colour remarks and toilet humor. His films have the romantic comedy aspect that women like, plus enough gross out humor to keep any man entertained. It is a comedy gold mine that knows no bounds.

Apatow’s latest is Funny People. The film follows Adam Sandler as an older stand up comic who is dealing with his life in typical Apatow fashion. He has a general sense of malaise, even as he mentors young newcomer Seth Rogan. Sandler soon learns that he is dying and is forced to reevaluate his life.

I am torn up over which way to cast my judgment for Funny People. On one hand there is Adam Sandler who is quite possibly one of the worst things to ever happen to comedy on film. While Billy Madison was funny, I quickly grew tired of Sandler’s always inexplicably violent and quirky characters. Also, while Seth Rogan is very entertaining to watch, I cannot help but feel like he has been overexposed. It is the old adage that a person is only funny for so long.

On the other hand, you have the titan that is Apatow. His perspectives on the milestones that we face in our lives are truly unique. Whereas his previous films dealt purely on life, this one takes a good hard look at death. I am curious enough to see if he is able to make the end of the road as entertaining as the beginning.

G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Why is it that every single toy, and every fad from my childhood is getting a big screen adaptation? Transformers, G.I. Joe, and coming soon to a theatre near you Viewmaster: The Movie! That isn’t a joke, in case you were wondering. Last week Dreamworks actually green lit production of a flick, based on a toy that showed you three-dimensional images on plastic discs. If we don’t stop this madness now where will it end? Etch-a-sketch? Yo-Yo? Perhaps Pogs will be next for the silver screen.

Lets stop looking to the (horrifying) future, and focus and the present trainwreck in front of us. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a live action adaptation of the half-hour commercial for Hasbro’s line of army action figures. The ‘Cobra’ in the title refers to the terrorist organization that is constantly threatening the world. The US army verses terrorists. Where have I heard that before?

Do I really have to spell this one out for you? This blockbuster will be absolutely atrocious. The trailer tries to pass off this dated premise with an enormous budget and Matrix-like special effects. The producers are just loading this one up with stars and former characters in hopes that the fanboys will come out in droves like they have for every other nerdfest this summer. I know this one will suck… and knowing if half the battle.

Other Films

Didn’t quite get your fix this month? Here are some more films coming out in the coming weeks.

(500) Days of Summer – How a modern love story should look

G-Force – Secret agent guinea pig… what could be more entertaining!

Orphan – Another creepy girl in a horror movie

Aliens in the Attic – Ashley Tisdale shouldn’t be allowed to do movies… ever.

Shorts – If I had a wishing stone I would wish the movie out of existance

Cold Souls – Clever, strange and postmodern in a Being John Malkovich sort of way. What’s not to like