Apparently we’re prudes. I’m sorry girls, it’s true. Despite being able to use the c-word in public, watch violent news without batting an eye and crack crude jokes on par with truckers, when it comes to peeing we’re positively prudes.

The realization of this came shortly after visiting the facilities in Sneaky Dee’s at last month’s editorial meeting. It all started in the stall. Drawers dropped, pee flowing, it was business as usual, until she did the unthinkable. Over mutual tinkling, through thin metal barricades, she began talking to me.

She refers to the young woman I had met just outside of the washroom. With the proper amount of Canadian politeness, we began chatting. But as we entered the washroom the conversation continued and we found ourselves already in the stalls before the conversation had ended. And so came the daunting question: do we keep talking?  When do we stop talking? Is it awkward to talk to a stranger when you can hear each other pee? Should I wait for her to finish after I wash my hands so we can continue our discussion of what constitutes good graffiti?

Marveling at the strangeness of these queries and my possible obliviousness to public washroom etiquette, I began to do some research (clearly I need better Saturday night plans). I was worried, perhaps because I have never attended the washroom with a pack of girls, I was missing out on fundamental information. Information only privy to those in the privies.

I was shocked to discover that according to the Internet, my older female friends, Dear Abby, and 1950s social rules that seem to be still kicking around, I have been behaving like a barbarian! I was surprised at the millions of contemporary sources that discussed proper public washroom etiquette. And the number one rule? Don’t talk to people in the washroom unless absolutely necessary. While I can understand not talking on your cell phone, 'cause that just seems kind of strange and I’ve seen many a blackberry end up in the toilet bowl, not talking at all just seems awkward. No smiling, no “Hello”, just ignore people and crank your ipod. We aren’t isolated enough!

Other “rules” prevent atrocities such as: opening sanitary products with any rustling - it is suggested the offender flush, cough or rattle the toilet paper dispenser to mask the noise - and allowing oneself to sit on the toilet seat - it is recommended one squat, both to build thigh muscles and avoid VD. Though if you’re afraid of contracting VD from a toilet seat, that fear is the least of your issues!

Another ridiculous rule? Never poop in public. Granted, outside of a public washroom that rule is aces, but in a fully functional restroom facility? Holding it in is like holding onto an ex - painful, unnecessary, and really it’s healthier to just let it go.

On top of these well documented rules women also have to deal with the more subtle issues of attending the facilities with appropriate amount of people (going alone isn’t acceptable), adhering to proper stall behavior, not actually using the toilet and applying only makeup that is socially acceptable (lipstick? Yes, but cover-up? How unsightly!).

I was similarly surprised at the intensity of male bathroom etiquette. Admittedly, not being equipped with male genitalia means I have little to say about what happens in the guy’s washroom. I assumed the rules are basically keep your distance, don’t look, and never (ever) cross streams. Aside from that, they’re pretty much home free. I think I finally get penis envy. Though I suppose it’s a different kind of awkward talking at urinals instead of through stalls.

There really shouldn’t be politics in using the washroom, conversational or otherwise. I don’t have any qualms with bodily functions and I’m not terrified of people hearing me pee. Is that so rare? Without further ado I present the Post Modern Woman’s Washroom Manifesto (Or “6 Easy Steps to Peeing in Style”). Granted it’s not exactly a literary masterpiece, but it’s rather apt.

Kosher:

-actually using the washroom!
-chatting: human interaction is an endangered activity
-passing TP to stranded stall users

Not-So Kosher:

-failing to wash your hands
-dropping your phone in the toilet
-bitching about your fellow washroom users while they’re in the stall

Now I’m sure this entire article, in discussing the subject, is against proper washroom etiquette. Why can’t women talk about the bathroom? Men make jokes about farting, bowel movements and crossing swords, but women have none of that humour vested in their washroom experience. When quite frankly, it’s funny. Kinda gross sometimes, but funny nonetheless. Like the day I learned throwing up in an automatic flush toilet is the worst idea ever (it throws up back!). Or like last night when the drunk girl who dropped her cell phone into the toilet bowl and spent an hour poking at it with her eyeliner pencil before dropping that in too... they say bathroom humour is over-rated, but who gives a shit?