October is here and that means that Halloween is right around the corner. Let's be honest here, Halloween is probably the greatest holiday ever invented ever. It encourages people to dress up, wander the streets at night, and indulge in both candy and liquor. You show me a person who does not like Halloween, and I will show you a person with acute agoraphobia and a weird compulsion for licking stamp glue.

With O Hallows eve getting closer every media outlet will soon be turning their attention the festivities. For me this means horror movies. I freely admit that I love watching the macabre come to life on screen. While never truly scary, the spectacle alone is enough to send the testosterone in me pumping. The result is often giggles of pure guilty pleasure.

It isn’t all good news though. It is unfortunate to report that we are in a drought of the worst kind for new scary movies. This year it seems to be no different. In this Trailer Trashin’ I look at the worst trends in movies today exemplified in this case, in the horror genre. This month all there is a remake, a sequel, a half-baked adaptation, and paranoia about the end of the world.

The Stepfather

Somewhere along the way the term ‘remake’ was replaced with ‘reboot.’ It is easy to see why the change was made. Remake simply reeks of a producer who is out of any good ideas and simply wants a cheque. Whereas reboot usually involves a deeper thought process. I have no illusions, both really mean the same thing. It is euphemisms like this that have George Carlin rolling in his grave. However, for the sake of this month’s article, let's pretend that there really is a difference.

That being said, The Stepfather is a remake of the 1987 film of the same name. The movie stars Dylan Walsh from Nip/Tuck as the titular stepfather. He marries into a new family and everything seems to be hunky-dory. That is except for the fact that he is insane and likes to murder people whenever they do not meet his high expectations. So as it turns out he is just like every stage mother.

The problem this film will have is the same one that all remakes have to overcome, the original. Terry O’Quinn played the stepfather in the 1987 version of the movie and is considered to be one of the creepiest on screen characters of the genre. O'Quinn has the bar set very high for Walsh and quite honestly, I don’t think he will make it. Still, a film like this might be fun to rent months later for a large group.

Saw VI

The process of making a sequel in Hollywood usually works the same way regardless of the film. The first movie introduced us to a new and unique concept. Somehow the filmmakers were able to catch lightning in a bottle and the result was a box office hit. Then some producer in Hollywood decides to milk that concept for all it is worth and pump out so many sequels, prequels, and now the wonderful reimagining. By the time we get to the sixth (to pick a number at random) movie in a franchise the concept is boring, stale and has truly overstayed its welcome.

Saw IV is the latest title in the somehow popular Saw franchise. The premise, in case you have been living under a rock for the last five years is as follows. A deranged cancer patient abducts strangers and tries to teach them the value of life. He does this by placing them in nearly inescapable deathtraps and watches the blood fly.

I am sorry to say that I have seen every other film in this franchise. I do have to admit, when the first movie came out the premise was unique and truly something that made my skin crawl. While the execution wasn’t fantastic, Saw does pass for a fairly decent horror flick. That being said it is now six years later and no amount of twists or turns or inane ‘time-jumping-ha-we-got-you” moments are going to get me out to a theatre to sit through this piece of fecal matter.

If given the choice to saw off my own leg or sit through the latest installment of the poster boy for the torture porn genre, I would seriously consider the former option.

The Box

In addition to the myriad of movies that I watch, I do spend more than my fair share of time rotting away in front of the boob tube, I am hardly ashamed of this. The truth of the matter is that some of the best story telling happens on television. You also see some of the worst but for now let's just pretend that only the good exists.

It is no secret that I have a bit of a fetish for good science fiction/horror/tales of wonder. Some of the best of the best was The Twilight Zone. Many great stories have come from this wonderful little show and many are burned into common knowledge without us even realizing it. One such story is the upcoming and unfortunate adaptation, The Box.

The Box is the story of a struggling young couple, in the film portrayed by Cameron Diaz and James Marsden. Their lives are changed forever when a mysterious stranger (Frank Langella) shows up with an offer and the titular box. Inside the box is a button. The stranger explains that he will give the couple a large sum of money if they push the button. However, by doing so, a person that “they do not know” will die.

That is the entire premise of the story. In the original short story, the couple spend the bulk of their time arguing whether or not they should or should not push it and the ethical ramifications of that choice. Needless to say there is hardly enough material to fill a feature length film.

2012

Admittedly this isn’t really a horror movie in the traditional sense. However, if you are anything like me, you consider sitting through anything by Roland Emmerich to be a terrifying experience. This man has depicted the end of the world on celluloid more times than I care to count. Among the most ridiculous have to be the end of the world due to aliens, giant lizards, and global warming.

In 2012 Emmerich decides to depict how the final days might look according to the asinine Mayan prophecy. According to the ancient Mayan calendar, the world will end on December 21, 2012. My first thought on this is why the Mayans couldn't get more specific with it. I prefer my doomsday theories to include not only a date but also a place and time. December 21 isn’t good enough. I was hoping for December 21, 2012, at 8:17 pm EST, in a little motel in Mount Vernon Kentucky. That way I know exactly where not to be at the end of the world.

Getting back on track, the film stars John Cusack as the over protective father who is most likely the only person that saw this whole mess in the film coming. He tries to keep his family safe and if I know the formula, he will be able to pull it off. Millions of people will die all around him as a major metropolis is destroyed but somehow they will all survive. Not only that, John will also manage to save the family dog. In the end the human spirit will overcome adversity and blah blah blah happily ever after blah.

Okay in all seriousness, I want to talk to Roland for a moment. Roland? You there? Good. How are you? Doing Well? Great. Now stop it. Stop making these movies. I get it, really I do. You like to see the world end. I can’t take anymore and if I am right neither can millions of people who like me would rather suffer the apocalypse than sit through another one of your boring disaster epics. They aren’t exciting, they aren’t even unique anymore. Just please, for the love of Kinich Ahau (the Mayan sun god) try something new.

Other Films

Believe it or not, they aren’t all horror movies this month. Some are even worth seeing.

Law Abiding Citizen – I say that is enough of Clive Owen already.

Where the Wild Things Are – Looks like a successful adaptation of the children’s book

Antichrist – promises to be one of the most disturbing movies in years. I can’t wait!

Astro Boy – Another pointless adaptation of an over the hill anime

Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day – Too little too late for these Irish vigilantes

The Men Who Stare at Goats – Clooney is at his best when he plays a buffoon

The Fantastic Mr. Fox – Wes Anderson meets Roald Dahl. Too bad Anderson hasn’t evolved as a filmmaker in ten years.