Who says that snap judgements and prejudice aren’t a good thing? Not I, Daniel Bernstein that is for sure. Every month I take a look at the movies that we the viewing audience are to be subjected to and gives my often bitter, twisted thoughts about them. I don’t need to see them to know what is good and bad. I am just that awesome.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Stephanie Meyer is the worst thing to happen to vampires since Anne Rice. I know that I have said this before, but I feel like I need to say it again and again and again. I will maintain my stance until we are free from the terrible grip of the wimpy vampire phenomenon.

Seriously, what happened to vampires? They were once considered to be nothing more than blood sucking demons that feast on human flesh. There was nothing wrong with that. This notion that we were not the top of the food chain was truly a terrifying one to behold. Not only that, vampires were charming and deceptive. The very definition of the boogie-man. Now we have vampires that are poor analogies of human beings. Folks who are hopelessly emo with their struggles, and who are really vampire in name only.

The latest chapter in this crime against humanity is being released in just a few weeks, and it will be sure to draw throngs of tween girls with low self esteem and delusions of escape from their mundane lives. If the new film is anything like the first (which I watched for this very zine) it will be a horrifying and painful two hour train wreck full of horrendous dialogue, inane plot twists and, of course, sparkling vampires.

Do yourself a favour and skip it. Skip all references to it. Ignore any trailers and change the channel any time a commercial comes on. Do anything that you possibly can to avoid any contact with this film.

The Blind Side

Ah, Sandra Bullock. My arch nemesis when it comes to finding good cinema. Her name in the marquis of a film is usually an indication for me to skip the film. Her latest, The Blind Side, is no exception to the rule and I felt it deserved a special mention.

The film follows the story of a wealthy upper-class white woman (Bullock) who decides to help sponsor a kindhearted, high-school aged black boy from the wrong side of the tracks. Due mostly to her help, the boy ends up accepted by everybody and takes a real shine to football where he is able to turn his life around. Naturally everybody is thrilled and they all live happily ever after.

This is the definition of feel good schlock. I have no doubt that the family will overcome all sorts of adversity before making it to their happy ending, but it will be reached nonetheless. Also I am not the most politically correct person but even I find something terribly condescending about the white family needing to save the black boy. Just once I would love to see it work the other way around. I am convinced that the only reason this movie was made, or any movie like this for that matter, is because it comes with the wonderful “based on a true story” banner. I am glad that it worked out for this young man but please, don’t make me suffer through it.

The Road

I once heard that there are two different schools of thought when it comes to Cormac McCarthy’s apocalyptic novel The Road. About half the people that read it are unable to put it down and will swear up and down that it is one of the finest stories ever told. The other half is unable to make it past the first fifteen pages. I am sorry to say that I am a member of the latter group. I have tried unsuccessfully to read it on three separate occasions.

Despite this I have very high hopes for the latest film adaptation of The Road. The movie takes place primarily on a highway, after some global disaster has wiped out most of humanity. Traveling down the road are a father and son, identified only as ‘The man’ and ‘The boy.’ Both are trying desperately to survive and avoid the groups of roving cannibals that are the remains of human society.

Post-apocalyptic films have a tendency to go one of two ways. Either it is a stunning and frightening new vision of our own mortality, or it is a heavy handed abomination that makes you almost wish the world would end so you wouldn’t have to sit through the rest of it. In this case I really am hoping that The Road is a member of the former. Viggo Mortenson is a fantastic actor and if anyone can pull of the task off he can. Coupled with the fact that the release date was pushed back means that not only is a quality film, but it is one with real Oscar potential.

The Princess and the Frog

Gather around everyone, it is time for your dear old bitter film critic to tell you a story. Once upon a time there was an animation studio known only to the world as ‘Disney.’ Now Disney didn’t just make simple cartoons. No, they made some of the most magical and memorable full length animated movies in the history of cinema. However things rarely last forever, and this is no exception.

About five years ago Disney closed their traditional animation studios. It seemed that all was lost.

However their latest release, The Princess and the Frog, is a return to traditional animation that I feel is long overdue. The film follows in traditional Disney fashion by very loosely telling the classic story of The Frog Prince. The differences are subtle and with a traditional Disney twist that in this case, upon kissing the frog, the princess turns into a frog herself. What happens next is sure to be a musical adventure for the ages.

Good for Disney in this case. With computer animation becoming so widespread and so inexpensive, traditional animation has pretty much gone the way of the Dodo. It is a bit concerning, considering that most animated kids movies that come out these days feel so half baked and rushed that any change to the current mold is a welcome one. This applies even if the change is one back to the way things used to be done. That, and the choice to finally have a African American protagonist in the usually whitewashed world of Disney, are both changes that I feel are long overdue.

Other Films

Just a few words about some of the other films that are appearing in theatres this month.

The Bad Lieutenant – Nicholas Cage…. Why?

Planet 51 – This is an example of poor CGI that I spoke of earlier

Ninja Assassin – Might be good in an “awesome I’m a man” sort of way

Armoured – Desperately failing in the “awesome I’m a man” sort of way

Transylmania – Twilight meet Disaster Movie. What do you think?

Up in the Air – Wow George Clooney is everywhere these days, isn’t he?

The Lovely Bones – Marky Mark trying again for an Oscar. Who knows it might be pretty good.