Who says that snap judgments and prejudice aren’t a good thing? Not I, Daniel Bernstein that’s for sure. Every month I take a look at the movies that we the viewing audience are to be subjected to and give my often bitter, twisted thoughts about them. I don’t need to see them to know what is good and bad. I am just that awesome.

Avatar – Dec 18

A few months ago I wrote up a movie that was presented in 3D. At the time I mentioned how the new trend seemed to baffle me. The fad of the third dimension was a novelty that had been kicked around to sell tickets since the 1950’s, every time claiming to be the wave of the future. Time and time again it was proven to be false.

However this new wave seems to be different. With the upgrades in technology we are seeing more and more mainstream film directors jumping on board. Instead of getting cheap horror films, we are getting serious action and animated features presented in the marvelous third dimension. The culmination in this fad is the latest from filmmaker James Cameron known only as Avatar.

Avatar follows an interplanetary war being fought on a distant planet between the indigenous creatures and us, the human invaders in search of fossil fuels. The main story involves a crippled soldier (Sam Worthington) who is placed in control of an alien body or avatar in order to infiltrate the resistance movement. Obviously he finds that it seems to be the human military that is wrong ad is inevitably forced to choose between his species and his new found friends.

Alright, I admit that the story sounds a little bit like Fern Gully on acid. However, this film is going to be worth it for the eye candy alone. All of the images I have seen from Avatar have just blown my mind. So often when you see CGI mixed with live action in film there is some inexplicable quality about it that makes it look wrong. With Avatar it seems that James Cameron has figured out how to blend the two almost seamlessly. This is all before you take into account that the whole thing is in 3D.

I don’t get out to the movies as much as I would like to these days but I think Avatar is well worth my time and money.

Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel – Dec 23

“Christmas, Christmas time is near,
Time for toys and time for cheer”

– Alvin and The Chipmunks

Yes with the holiday season right around the corner, now seems like as good a time as any to release mindless kid friendly drivel. What better choice could there possibly be besides a live action sequel to Alvin and The Chipmunks? How about an original idea once or twice?

For those with no direct contact with anything in popular culture, the titular chipmunks are a fictional music group comprised entirely of (surprise, surprise) chipmunks. There is Alvin - the troublemaker, Simon – the nerd, and Theodore – The Fat one. They would sing covers of popular songs which are now hilarious simply because their voices are so high pitched. Fun fact: it is almost as funny when you huff helium and pretend to be a munchkin from The Wizard of Oz

Somehow this premise was so unique for 1958 that it spawned all sorts of merchandise, several Saturday morning cartoons, and of course the inevitable live action movie with CGI woodland critters. In my opinion, the fact they made the first one is baffling enough. I can’t possibly imagine what more there is to say for a sequel. Sorry, my mistake, Squeakquel.

I suppose my biggest issue with this is not the film itself or even its inane premise. No, it is the fact that the family movie is so rare to find these days. Just because something is made with a younger audience in mind doesn’t mean that it can’t appeal to their parents. While it is true that most people grew up with some form of The Chipmunks in one form or another (I very clearly remember watching the cartoon as a kid), the thought of listening to the high pitched voices of three grown men for two hours is enough to make my ears try to stab my brain in retaliation. A movie for the family doesn’t have to feature inane talking animals, a fact that certain studios just cannot seem to grasp.

Sherlock Holmes – Dec 25

Speaking of adaptations of ancient franchises, how about a gritty reboot of Arthur Conan Doyle’s famed investigator? As a Christmas present to all of us Guy Richie has divorced Madonna, taken the most famous detective of all time and tried to prove that he still has what it takes to make a good movie.

Sherlock Holmes features Robert Downey Jr. as the classic sleuth with Jude Law as his faithful companion and biographer Watson. This version, unlike any other, tries to show Sherlock in a way that has not really been seen before. While he does retain his masterful abilities of deductive reasoning, it shows him to be a man not afraid to get his hands dirty. This Holmes is rude, abrasive, has poor hygiene, and enjoys bareknuckle boxing (a Richie staple).

My immediate thinking is that not everything needs a gritty, 21^st century reboot.

It is as if reboot is the new fancy term for remake. Again simply because an idea has been done before does not mean it needs to be done again. I feel like this is no exception. Sherlock Holmes is a character that is adored by millions and has had fanboys before there were moving pictures.

Despite my low expectation I will one hundred percent go out of my way to see this movie. The reason? Robert Downey Jr. Mr. Downey happens to be one of my all time favourite actors. I would go and see him in a film where all that happens is Robert sitting down and shaving a cat for the entirety of the picture. While Guy Richie may have forgotten how to tell a compelling story, Robert Downey Jr. is more then enough to redeem this film.

Daybreakers – Jan 8

Vampires. Dear lord they are everywhere these days. I am so sick and tired of freaking vampires that I want to go back in time and strangle Bram Stoker for inventing the modern concept of the vampire. Seriously, when it comes to current media vampires are quickly becoming the most loathed thing I can possibly see on screen. In fact, I am not even going to say the v-word any more in this column. From now on they will simply be referred to as “OUPDs” (Over Used Plot Devices).

Daybreakers follows the story of a futuristic civilization run by OUPDs. They are facing a food shortage crisis because they have eaten just about everybody. All remaining food sources are kept in farms where they are rationed out to the remaining OUPD population. Searching desperately for a solution is none other then Ethan Hawke who finds not a solution for what to eat, but instead a cure for OUPDism. Naturally his cure is resisted by the luddites in charge and madness ensues.

Hollywood, please stop, I get it. OUPDs can be used as a metaphor for just about anything. Need to show the struggles of a person coping with identity? OUPDs. How about some sort of forbidden romance angle? OUPDs. Daybreakers is trying to prove to all of us two things. The first is that all corporations are evil puppy killing monsters who will literally suck the life out of us. The second is that we should all be vegetarians.

Not enough proof that this movie will suck, and not in the OUPD way? The trailer to this film shows us, the viewing audience, the entire plot of the movie. This is one of the fatal sins that many trailers are guilty of, and one way to pick out a dud. A good trailer should just tease at certain pot details, not spell them all out for me like I’m an idiot. That coupled with a January release date doesn’t bode well for this OUPD flick.

Other Films

What other potential flicks are coming out between now and the next issue of Steel Bananas? Take a look at some other options of things to avoid/see.

Crazy Heart (Dec 16) – Jeff Daniels is getting Oscar buzz for his turn as a country music singer. Who am I to argue with buzz?

Did you Hear About the Morgans? (Dec 18) – Trust me, you will wish you hadn’t heard.

Nine (Dec 18) – Daniel Day Lewis in a musical? It might be worth it simply for the novelty of it

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (Dec 25) – With Terry Gilliam and Heath Ledger in his final onscreen appearance how can it possibly go wrong?

Its Complicated (Dec 25) – Great cast, probably not bad. It is just not my bag.

Leap Year (Jan 8 ) – Yet another RomCom appealing to the lowest common denominator.

Youth in Revolt (Jan 8 ) – Watch Michael Cera play himself in yet another movie