I feel somewhat hypocritical reporting this month’s weird news because it is all about people operating motor vehicles when they probably shouldn’t be and I’m fairly certain that I’m going to be one of those people quite soon. I don’t know how to drive. I remember nothing from driving lessons. I have trouble even walking near cars and other people – I kind of wish we could all give this horseback thing another try. But I have my G2 and I’ve driven on the highway with my entire family in the backseat screaming “YOU’RE GOING TOO FAST.”

I have not, however, attempted to remove any of my pubic hair while driving as Megan Mariah Barnes, a 37-year-old from Florida, did. I’ve seen this story in so many news outlets indubitably because the writers know that everyone’s going to be like, “what a crazy lady, shaving her va-jay-jay while driving." And I agree, that’s some pretty weird stuff. I would rank a moving car to be one of the least desirable places to be holding a sharp metal tool near one’s genitalia. But I think we’re all overlooking the finer details of this wacky tale. Ms Barnes was on her way to see her boyfriend (which makes sense considering the body part she was shaving) and in the car with her were three other people with one of them being her ex-husband. That sounds so awkward to me, driving to see your boyfriend with your ex-husband and friends. Even without the bikini line shaving part. What kind of dolt is this ex-husband? Get a life, dude. And then after Barnes crashed the car, her ex-husband agreed to switch places with her and take the blame for the accident. I feel like that is what-the-fuck part of this story more so than her poor planning skills. I want to mail this guy a piece of my doormat with a snarky note that says “birds of a feather should flock together” or something.

A few months ago, I read a story about a woman who suffered a damaged nerve in her pelvis during a car accident.  This caused her to constantly be in a state of sexual arousal which sounded rad at first but then I realized how inconvenient that would be in every situation outside of a cheesy porno. The woman is miserable and expressed how embarrassing her affliction is and how no amount of sex satiates her.

I would feel such a sense of cosmic justice if that woman was Megan Barnes. This sounds like a cheesy adult film again but what if after preparing for coitus in a moving car that she was operating, and conning her poor ex-husband to take the fall for the resulting accident, Barnes damaged her pelvis nerve and has to live the rest of her life in a state of sexual limbo? I would perhaps reconsider my status as a militant atheist.