It seems to me that a typical Harry Potter fan has a level of devotion that is almost parallel to that of a devout evangelist, or short of that a trekkie. I had a friend who was so completely enamored with the prepubescent wizard that he would literally respond with violence and malicious intent towards any person that would defame the stories or his love for them. Believe it or not, this is considered a mild response. We all know the tales of people lining up for days before hand just to receive a copy of J.K. Rowling’s latest tale from Hogwarts.

I admit that I have read through all seven novels in the Harry Potter series. However, upon my arriving at the end of the series I was left with a general feeling of what can only be described as ‘meh.’ The books are not particularly well written and towards the end, it felt almost like Rowling was trying desperately to make all loose ends fit, even if they were only minor details. A sort of “I meant to do that” mentality that we don’t tolerate from anyone besides storytellers.

As mediocre as the books were, the movies for the most part have been downright atrocious. I was actually baffled when the last film (which is the weakest book of the series) used spinning newspapers in order to advance the story. Needless to say, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince has the bar set pretty low.

I for one think it will fail to reach those expectations. Besides a stunning lack of precedent for a good Harry Potter film, the latest story was incredibly dull. It was very much a transitional volume in the work and besides the ‘twist’ at the end of the story, nothing really happens. Unless something truly magical happens, the latest chapter in this whiny wizard's tale will be just as bad as the previous installments.

The Ugly Truth

In case it hasn’t already been made abundantly clear in previous installments, I have a special loathing when it comes to a romantic comedy. I am so completely and utterly bored with ‘boy meets girl’ type stories. Maybe they are truly bad movies, maybe testosterone always takes over when they are mentioned, or maybe I am just angry and bitter. Whatever the case may be I am unable to overcome my prejudice when it comes to The Ugly Truth. To be honest, I didn’t try very hard.

The Ugly Truth stars Katherine Heigel and Gerard Butler as two television personalities that dispense dating and relationship advice. Heigel, being the sophisticated woman that she is, wants nothing more than to meet prince charming. Butler, having a dick, thinks exclusively with it. He begins coaching her to meet and seduce a man and of course hilarity ensues.

I get it, really I do. Men are pigs and women are repressed. However, when both work together to overcome their natural, stereotypical instincts, they can get together and find true love and happiness. What truly bugs me is this concept that women don’t think about sex like men do. I know I am hardly an authority on the subject but if my female friends and the internet have taught me anything it is that women are nymphos and have sexual thoughts just as often as any man.

Funny People

For the past few years Judd Apatow has been widely hailed as the second coming of comedy Jesus. He is like regular Jesus, but has a really chill attitude when it comes to off colour remarks and toilet humor. His films have the romantic comedy aspect that women like, plus enough gross out humor to keep any man entertained. It is a comedy gold mine that knows no bounds.

Apatow’s latest is Funny People. The film follows Adam Sandler as an older stand up comic who is dealing with his life in typical Apatow fashion. He has a general sense of malaise, even as he mentors young newcomer Seth Rogan. Sandler soon learns that he is dying and is forced to reevaluate his life.

I am torn up over which way to cast my judgment for Funny People. On one hand there is Adam Sandler who is quite possibly one of the worst things to ever happen to comedy on film. While Billy Madison was funny, I quickly grew tired of Sandler’s always inexplicably violent and quirky characters. Also, while Seth Rogan is very entertaining to watch, I cannot help but feel like he has been overexposed. It is the old adage that a person is only funny for so long.

On the other hand, you have the titan that is Apatow. His perspectives on the milestones that we face in our lives are truly unique. Whereas his previous films dealt purely on life, this one takes a good hard look at death. I am curious enough to see if he is able to make the end of the road as entertaining as the beginning.

G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Why is it that every single toy, and every fad from my childhood is getting a big screen adaptation? Transformers, G.I. Joe, and coming soon to a theatre near you Viewmaster: The Movie! That isn’t a joke, in case you were wondering. Last week Dreamworks actually green lit production of a flick, based on a toy that showed you three-dimensional images on plastic discs. If we don’t stop this madness now where will it end? Etch-a-sketch? Yo-Yo? Perhaps Pogs will be next for the silver screen.

Lets stop looking to the (horrifying) future, and focus and the present trainwreck in front of us. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a live action adaptation of the half-hour commercial for Hasbro’s line of army action figures. The ‘Cobra’ in the title refers to the terrorist organization that is constantly threatening the world. The US army verses terrorists. Where have I heard that before?

Do I really have to spell this one out for you? This blockbuster will be absolutely atrocious. The trailer tries to pass off this dated premise with an enormous budget and Matrix-like special effects. The producers are just loading this one up with stars and former characters in hopes that the fanboys will come out in droves like they have for every other nerdfest this summer. I know this one will suck… and knowing if half the battle.

Other Films

Didn’t quite get your fix this month? Here are some more films coming out in the coming weeks.

(500) Days of Summer – How a modern love story should look

G-Force – Secret agent guinea pig… what could be more entertaining!

Orphan – Another creepy girl in a horror movie

Aliens in the Attic – Ashley Tisdale shouldn’t be allowed to do movies… ever.

Shorts – If I had a wishing stone I would wish the movie out of existance

Cold Souls – Clever, strange and postmodern in a Being John Malkovich sort of way. What’s not to like

Comments

• July 16, 2009, B-Rad writes: Stupid G.I. Joe... Seriously, they are like making everything from the 80s and 90s into movies...Has hollywood really reached the point where even original action blockbusters are a chore?
• July 20, 2009, King Frankenstein writes: I'm a computer. Stop all the downloadin'

Well fear no more for confusion as I am a self-proclaimed expert at cinema and the art of the trailer. Here are my reviews of movies coming out this month that I have not seen, and for the most part, don’t plan on ever seeing.

Year One

Once upon a time in my life I used to love stupid comedies. A film could be one of the worst ever made, but as long as it made me laugh, it would be acceptable in my book. However, over the years I seem to have grown wiser and significantly more cynical. Now a really stupid comedy needs to show me something special in order for it to earn a passing grade.

Year One fails to do this on all accounts. The film stars Jack Black and Michael Cera as two hapless cavemen who seem to stumble upon society and the hilarity naturally ensues. At least it is supposed to. I have yet to see anything in any of the trailers that particularly tickles my funny bone.

Believe it or not it has nothing to do with the fact that I feel like I have seen this before. Both Mel Brooks and The Monty Python Gang have both made comedies taking place in Ancient Rome and their respective films, History of the World and The Life of Brian are considered to be classics of cinema. Besides these two, though, a comedy during this time is largely unexplored territory.

My problem is that it simply isn’t funny. Putting Black and Cera in strange times and hoping for comedic gold is not a winning formula in my book. On the other hand, it is reassuring to know that Michael Cera will be exactly the same no matter what era we are in.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

It breaks my heart to say that despite all of the big budget action movies that have already come and gone this summer, Transformers will end up being the highest grossing film of 2009. That’s right, I am calling it here. This enormous pile of dung will somehow transform into the shining beacon of the summer season.

Transformers, for the three of you who are confused, is about warring groups of robots from space who disguise themselves on earth as everyday vehicles (hence the catchphrase ‘Robots in Disguise.’) The concept is based on an old cartoon from the eighties that was another excuse to sell toys to impressionable children. I admit I used to be such a child. I had a few transformers and there was something ridiculously fun about changing a Mac Truck into a killer robot and back again. It was like two toys in one!

My apprehension comes from the fact that the first movie a few years ago was laughably stupid. Perhaps this is another case of my rose tinted glasses being removed and seeing the crap for what it truly was. In any case I will be avoiding Transformers 2 like a bad cold.

Public Enemies

For as long as I can remember, gangsters have been romanticized. Think carefully, how many different films, and stories about organized crime can you list off the top of your head. Personally I can think of about a dozen without even delving into some of the less than stellar ones. This is the reason that I am predicting that despite a stellar cast, Public Enemies will fade into obscurity and be forgotten.

Public Enemies is a biopic about the life and times of infamous bank robber John Dillinger, here played by Johnny Depp. Dillinger is a ruthless thug, whose natural charisma makes him likeable and thus, naturally, a folk hero to the masses. Dillinger, however, is still pursued by Johnny Law, here played by Christian Bale.

As I have stated before I have seen so many films that have dealt with this subject. In fact Bonnie and Clyde jumps to mind for being so ridiculously similar. Furthermore, Public Enemies doesn’t really appear to bring anything new to the table in terms of the genre. As stated earlier, this film is doomed to fall off our collective radars and end up being nothing more than another piece of movie trivia.

Bruno

We started this month with a stupid comedy, it seems only fitting that we are ending this month with a stupid comedy. Sacha Baron Cohen returns with a new movie following the same style as the smash hit Borat.

This time Cohen plays Bruno, the gay Austrian fashion critic. Bruno spends the movie interviewing people and deliberately pissing them off.  In other words he is doing the exact same thing that he did with Borat.

Believe it or not I am actually stumped with this film. Normally I am willing to make judgments on things I haven’t seen, and still manage to have a clean conscience. With Bruno I am not coming down on either side. From what I have seen from the trailers (specifically the Red Band Trailer) this movie looks hilarious. Scenes of Bruno making scenes with rednecks, fashion gurus, Ron Paul, and an adopted African baby genuinely make me laugh. At the same time, I find that I am hesitant. Cohen is doing the exact same shtick that he pulled with Borat. This time however it is with a character who is supposed to be civilized enough to know better.

Should you Bother with Bruno? Chances are that if you liked Borat you can not miss with Bruno.

Other Films

I can’t quite review all movies coming out this month. Here is a quick list of what else to expect this next month and my thoughts about which ones to avoid.

The Proposal – Hmm, another romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock. What do you think?

Whatever Works – Brave choice for Woody Allen casting Larry David. Who knows, it might pan out.

The Hurt Locker – It is impossible to tell a war story when we are still fighting in that war.

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs – A concept so old it is frozen

I love you Beth Cooper – I hate you, producers of this film!

Terminator: Salvation

Coming up next in what I’ve dubbed “the Summer of Sci-Fi,” Director McG is spearheading another attempt at getting an old, dying franchise off the ground, entrusted to breathe some new life into Terminator.
We all know the story of the Terminator franchise: a robot from the future is sent back in time in order to murder the leader of the human resistance before he has a chance to win the war against the robot faction. The first three films all followed this formula and for a while audiences loved it; Terminator 2 is arguably one of the best action sci-fi movies ever made. However, I am one of many that believe it might be time to “terminate” this franchise once and for all.
However, Terminator: Salvation does finally break the traditional formula of sending robot-protagonist Arnold Schwarzenegger back to our present. This time around we have Christian Bale as the leader of the resistance, John Conner, actually fulfilling the oft-alluded prophecy by taking control of his army. The long trailer gives us an insight to the post-apocalyptic future rife with lots of action and explosions.
The biggest problem I have with this film, and the franchise in general, is that we’ve already been given the ending. We know that the humans are going to win and that the machines send the Governator back in time to kill Linda Hamilton in an act of final desperation. For me, any degree of plot tension is lost when we know which characters survive and which ones will meet their untimely end. Sure it might be fun to go along for the ride, but I recommend waiting for this film on DVD or the internet.

Dance Flick

Once upon a time there was a magical comedy form in film known as the parody. The idea was to take a movie or specific genre of film and replicate it, but instead of producing a faithful adaptation, the parody would involve madcap humor, slapstick comedy and totally ridiculous situations. Talented comedians loved to flock to this genre and playfully poke the ribs of large filmmakers. Airplane, Young Frankenstein and The Naked Gun tickled our funny bones and made us really take a good look at the ridiculousness of movie conventions.
I am sad to say however that parody is now dead and the Wayans brothers killed it. After Scary Movie found moderate success, some brilliant marketing guru in La La Land decided it would be a great fun to crank out a similar masterpiece, AT LEAST TWICE A YEAR!!!! I have had to sit bewildered as turd loaf after turd loaf was forcefully shoveled down my throat. The latest crapfest, Dance Flick, is proving to be the cherry on top of my crap sundae.
In case it isn’t painfully obvious at this point, this movie is not a good use of your time. I recommend that this film and all responsible should be sacrificed to the comedy gods in order earn our forgiveness for putting up with these movies for so long.

Up

I have mentioned before to anybody who cares to listen about how my favourite move of last year was completely overlooked by the fine people of the academy due to the hindrance of being animated. In my humble opinion, Wall-E was one of the best films of all time. Maybe it has something to due with the fine folks at Pixar being akin to gods among men.
Indeed it seems that they can do no wrong. Their tenth and latest film, Up, looks to continue this tradition of unequivocal greatness. The film follows curmudgeonly old Carl as he inflates thousands balloons, attaches them to his house and flies off looking for adventure. A stowaway boy scout named Russell joins Carl as he travels around, bonding over this once in a lifetime experience.
Like everything that Pixar touches, this film looks like pure gold. It amazes me that after nearly fifteen years of making movies Pixar have yet to produce something that is cringe-worthy. I just hope that Up truly is fitting to carry on Pixar’s good name.

The Hangover

With a summer comedy it is extraordinarily difficult to predict which ones will be funny and which ones will turn out to be crap. The reason for this has a lot to do with the subjectivity of what people actually find funny. Yet, while everybody has their own specific tastes, there seem to be a couple of universal rules.
One truism that I subscribe to with comedy is that fresh faces are noticeably funnier; a comedic actor will often have one or two massive hit movies before they are appearing everywhere and with such massive overexposure we forget that they are funny. Will Ferrell was once considered to be a very humorous person, notching a massive hit with Anchorman, but after appearing in every second comedy for a few years, his appearance in a film is enough to make most people cringe.
Considering these collective norms, I am going to go on record stating that The Hangover will be this summer’s most quoted comedic movie. The film follows three friends (Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifinakis) who take their best bud to Vegas to celebrate his bachelor party only to wake up the next morning with no recollection of the previous night. Wild animals and babies run rampant in their hotel room and the guest of honour is missing in action… what the hell happened bro? These befuddled men seem to spend the rest of the film trying to retrace their steps and find their lost friend.

Other Films Coming out this Month

Didn’t see the film mentioned that you were hoping for? Here are some other movies coming out this month. Some are worth checking out, and others worth chucking out.

Angels & Demons – I’ve cracked the DaVinci Code! It says ‘stop making these films!’

The Brothers Bloom – Dirty Rotten Scoundrels did it much better the first time around.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian - I thought we said everything we needed to with the first movie.

Land of the Lost – It should have stayed there.

My life in Ruins – ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2: Electric Bugaloo’

Imagine That – Remember a time when Eddie Murphy was funny? Quite a while ago right?

The Taking of Pelham 123 – Another remake that nobody really wanted.

Moon – A brilliant little sci-fi thriller about isolation. Hey, I can’t hate them all!

I will admit to having a slight bias towards certain types of movies (in case it wasn’t already obvious). I think it has something to do with the man in me. A romantic comedy will usually have me running for the ipecac to induce vomiting in order to prevent poisoning. Give me an equally terrible action flick however, and I will willingly devour every minute of it.
Crank: High Voltage seems to pick up where its predecessor left off. The first movie followed action mainstay Jason Statham as he attempted to keep a poison from killing him. In order to do this he had to keep his adrenaline levels up. The first film had him punching old ladies in the face, having sex in odd places, and sucking down Redbull. This was of course when he wasn’t blowing up everything in sight. The latest film has changed the drug of choice from adrenaline to electricity. Instead of punching old ladies he is rubbing up against them for a simple static charge.
I am going to come right out and say it. I loved the first movie. I loved it so much that I am willing to shout praises from rooftops. It had no story, mediocre acting and stupidly impossible situations. However it was some of the most fun I have ever had in a movie. At the end of the day I was just happy to be along for the ride.
Crank: High Voltage promises to be every bit as asinine as the original and yet I am anxious to see it and get the testosterone pumping.

State of Play

Speaking of action there is nothing better for my man-sense than a good spy thriller. Not only do I get the blood flowing, I also get to flex my brain a little bit as I try to piece together the clues and figure out whodunit. However, lately quality has definitely been lacking in this genre. I miss how a movie could thrill me and make me think at the same time.
Unfortunately, I am not optimistic that State of Play can do anything to break this slump. This one stars Russell Crowe as a no-nonsense journalist who will do anything for a story. He comes to the aid of an old friend (Ben Affleck) who is a politician caught in a scandal and naturally uncovers some deeper conspiracy that goes up to the highest levels of government. He learns the hard way that everyone is evil and he should trust nobody but himself. Blah blah blah insert standard thriller formula here.
The thing about this movie that will fool people (and admittedly almost fooled me) is the quality of the cast. Besides Crowe you also have Helen Mirren, Rachel McAdams, Jeff Daniels, and Jason Bateman. It almost makes it easy to forget that this movie follows by the same plot arc that 90% of thrillers use.

X-men Origins: Wolverine

Wolverine has always been the badass of the comic book world. He is a cigar smoking, hard drinking, womanizing prick. He is also indestructible and is always ready to make quick work out of any mutant that messes with him or his friends. Everything about a Wolverine movie should thrill and excite me, and yet it doesn’t. In fact the whole notion of another X-men movie has me feeling decidedly underwhelmed.
I think my lack of enthusiasm has very little to do with the previews and trailers for X-men Origins: Wolverine. In fact the teasers promising explanations about the background of Marvel comics’ man of mystery don’t look half bad. My reservations have to do with the bad aftertaste that still lingers from the last X-men movie.
X-men was once the most popular franchise in Marvel comics’ repertoire. Its decline has to do with the fact that X-Men: The Last Stand is so bad that it falls completely off the bottom of my crap scale. This new attempt to reboot the franchise just seems to me to be a desperate grab to recapture some old glory and earn a few extra dollars for the studio and Stan Lee.

Star Trek

I have a dirty little secret. I am in fact a closeted trekkie. As a child I would sit and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation every single week. I would look forward to each new episode with eager anticipation. I had posters, and toys and even a Star Trek badge that resembled a communicator. As I grew Star Wars eventually replaced Star Trek in my heart and things were never quite the same. That is until I found the science fiction channel. Suddenly I found my love of the USS enterprise renewed.
This latest incarnation of Star Trek has everybody’s favourite Vulcan, Mr. Spock, going back in time to aid a young version of himself and the crew of the enterprise in some sort of galactic adventure. In the previews we have been teased with all sorts of images of the new/old crew battling aliens, fighting for survival, and doing what Shatner used to do best: kick some ass.
I will admit that when I first heard about the new movie I was skeptical. The original series was always a little too campy for my tastes and the Star Trek movies are, for the most part, notoriously awful. However this is a film that actually won me over with its previews. We have a young, up and coming cast; some serious looking action sequences; and J.J. Abrams, who certainly knows his way around a thriller. This Star Trek movie may actually turn out to boldly go where no Star Trek movie has gone before.

Other Films Coming out this month:

There were many more films coming out this month that I unfortunately just could not find the space in this article to sit down and bash. So here they are, in a single sentence, my thoughts on some of the other crap being released between now and the next Trailer Trashin’

17 Again – I didn’t like being 17 the first time, why would I want to do it again?

Fighting – Oooo really badass, especially that super awesome montage shot of the guy jumping a turnstile.

Obsessed – Fatal Attraction with Beyonce and the horrible chick from Heroes (you know the one I mean!).

The Soloist – Robert Downey Jr. is the only reason to see what I am sure is a mediocre feel-good drama.

Tyson¬ – Lets watch Mike Tyson fight his greatest foe yet, the English language!

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - Matthew McConaughey proves once again that he can only make one type of movie.

The Limits of Control – See this is how a spy thriller should look!

Or maybe not. It looks to me that nearly everything that is coming out in the next month is just more bile, however, we are starting to see some quality shining through. There may be a few hidden gems in the next month like Duplicity (could be fun) or I Love You, Man (could be funny). Yes I might want to see these eventually but I am not going to review them. Where would be the fun in reviewing something that I actually like?

This month in my quest to save my pocket change I took a quick glance at movies that range from charming to nauseating. Who says snap judgments aren’t right?

Know1ng

Nicholas Cage is a bit of an enigma to me these days, I know that he is a good actor. He has proven this to me time and time again. His performances in movies like Raising Arizona, Leaving Las Vegas, and Adaptation are proof that Nicky can turn out a good performance when he puts his mind to it. Unfortunately he seems to only want to make movies that he knows are going to suck.

In his latest stink fest, Know1ng, Cage plays a scientist of some sort who finds a list of numbers. As it turns out these numbers correspond to every disaster in human history and when they run out the world will end. Either that or the guy that wrote them all down merely ran out of paper. It is all up to our hero Mr. “shouldn’t-be-allowed-to-pick-his-own-projects-anymore” to save the world from certain destruction.

Really Nick? You couldn’t think of any other movie you would like to be in? You must get hundreds of scripts every month, yet you always choose to play the same role in every damn movie you are in. You like to be the unlikely hero trying to thwart Armageddon with some sort of uncanny ability, all that varies is what that ability is. This time it is numbers, previously it's been psychic powers, physical prowess, knowledge of American history, or John Travolta’s face.
Nick, do us all a favour and fire your agent before you do even more damage to that thing that you could once call your career.

Monsters Vs. Aliens

I will admit I am a sucker for a good “family film.” Any movie that is somehow able to draw the attention of adults and children alike must be something special. Often times when you see a movie that is labeled as family oriented, it really means that it is a good movie for kids to see, but adults will be bored with it. I have sat through many a terrible kids flick both as a child (which I may have liked at the time but now look back on with disgust) and as a camp counselor watching after children. Monsters Vs Aliens however, looks like one of the good ones.

Monsters Vs Aliens follows a group of celebrity voiced monsters who have been captured by a rough and tumble army general. These monsters are kept in an underground complex until they are recruited to protect the earth against an invading alien force.

I believe this movie will work for a number of reasons: from the trailer the humor seems to have hit that magic sweet spot that Shrek was able to years ago with a story, while seemingly lazy and thrown together on one level, is probably just stupid enough to be quite charming. The best part, of course, is the all-star cast that has been put together. Most notable is Seth Rogan who seems to be like a comedy god these days.

The one thing about this flick that is curious is not the movie itself, but the fact that it is the latest in a growing trend of 3D films, a fad that comes and goes about every 8 or 9 years. To me it has always seemed like a gimmick just to get people into the theatre and personally I am not buying it. It is not the wave of the future nor was it when it was first introduced fifty years ago. Movies should be allowed to stand on their own merits and it appears that Monsters Vs Aliens has them.

Dragonball Evolution

Is it just me or does every kid at one point in their life go through an anime phase? I certainly did when I was twelve years old. I thought Pokemon was the greatest thing I had ever laid my hands on. Like most kids at the time I played it on my Gameboy constantly trying to catch ‘em all. Sure, the show was stupid, but I challenge you to point out an anime show that isn’t.

The other anime love affair in my life was a little show called Dragonball Z. In this ‘masterpiece,’ the heroes of earth, led by the near god-like Goku, would defend the universe from all sorts of alien tyrants bent on total domination. In order to prevent this they would use martial arts and the mystical dragonballs to summon the eternal dragon and grant a wish. Usually they wished to restore the lives of all the civilians caught in the cross-fire of their epic struggle. Dragonball Evolution is the live action and Americanized movie based on the Japanese show.

I have long been able to take off my rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia to see some of the stuff from my childhood as the stupid crap that it really was. I may have loved Dragonball back in the day but I think it was because it was violent. As a prepubescent adolescent boy, anything with fighting and killing would have pushed the right buttons. The show was awful: the animation was bad, the dubbing was bad, and the story pacing was bad (There would literally be five or six episodes in a row of characters charging up attacks). How can a show of this quality make a decent movie? It can’t and it won’t. I would avoid this one like you avoid the thirty year old man-child who is living in his parents’ basement and still into this kind of thing.

Hannah Montana: The Movie

(Spews violently into a trashcan) Phew! Now that I have that out of the way I can try to say something about this next movie, I cannot promise that I will be able to get through it without losing my lunch again but I will do my best!

In (shudder) Hannah Montana: The Movie, Miley Cyrus is forced to give up the life of glamour that she is so accustomed to and return to being a normal teenager. Who forces her? Why it is none other than her one-hit-wonder exploitative father Billy Ray! From there I naturally assume that adventure will ensue and we will all learn a little bit more about ourselves and the nature of the universe.

Disney seems to have stumbled across a money making goldmine. All you have to do is take a teenager, have them sing about stuff, and eleven year old girls all across the world will throw hoards of their parents’ money at you. It has worked for them for years and with High School Musical 3 being one of the highest grossing films of 2008, they just had to give Miley a shot at the big screen.

This movie will be an absolute train wreck. In fact, it pains me to even call it a movie. It is more like an excuse for the marketing department at Disney to make butt loads of money by preying on little girls. Yes it is as disturbing as it sounds. Think about it. By using one teenage girl they are able to exploit millions of even younger girls and it is making me nauseous again just thinking about it. You will have to excuse me once more while I make another deposit into my Upchuck Disposal Unit ™ .

Comments

• March 19, 2009, Cassandra Sivic writes: Miley Cyrus is gross. We should protest outside of movie theatres!
• March 26, 2009, Curran Folkers writes: The fact that films like this exist is depressing, ominous and recklessly hilarious at once.
• March 28, 2009, Nancy writes: Duplicity seems to be Mr. and Mrs. Smith with older, less attractive actors. The Dragonball movie looks awful but goddamnit, I will be there opening day.

This idiom holds true for modern cinema. Before a movie comes out we are treated to a two-minute clip that is supposed to entice us to pay good money to see more. For the most part I won’t pay. It has nothing to do with the fact that I have a small cash flow problem, it is because most movies I see are crap. The trailers of films that do fool me will usually let me down in theaters.

Now, I have seen a lot of movies. I believe that I have in fact seen enough that I can pick a winner from a mile away. So in order to prove this I am going to give my thoughts on several movies before I have had a chance to see them. This month I cover everything from Camp Crystal lake to New York City.

Friday the 13th

The slasher film has always been a bit of a mystery to me. So many times while watching them I find myself absentmindedly shouting at the screen things like “Don’t go in there!” and “You know that is going to be trouble.” In fact, I find that with any good slasher film I actually find myself rooting for the killer. I mean there must be something very liberating about being a seven-foot tall demigod with the ability to hack your way through mountains of teenagers. Admit it, you have at one time in your life dreamed about the same thing.

The slasher movie however has seemed to have gone the way of the dodo. The simple truth is that very rarely are they scary anymore (something that is a definite no-no for a scary movie!) I suppose that the only viable options left for slasher flicks are ones that have already been done a million times before.

The latest attempt is of course the recent remake of Friday the 13th. This franchise was so popular that Jason Voorhees is one of the most recognizable serial killers with his hockey mask and machete.

Now, I personally abhor remakes. They are usually lazy attempts to bring a once popular character back into the limelight. There was nothing wrong with the first movie. In fact it stands as one of the classics of modern horror. So why remake it? I have a theory. I believe that an unspoken rule in storytelling is “Once a character goes to space, there is no turning back.” If you recall Jason went to space about eight years ago. Since then his machete has simply been gathering dust. It was time to take him back to his roots at Camp Crystal Lake and set him loose on the teenagers of the new millennium.

This movie will be bad. That is all there is to it. Releasing a horror movie in February might seem like a good idea for Valentines Day, but I do not recommend taking a date to it if you want some of that much sought after “Valentines nookie.”

Fired Up

Oh good! Just what we needed. Another American Pie style knock off about high school boys doing their darndest to get laid. In this movie the two boys in question are football players who decide that the best way to get some is by quitting the football team and joining the cheerleaders for an exciting week away at cheer camp. I was never popular in high school but even I know that the jocks get the girls, not the male cheerleaders. With a situation like this how can hilarity not ensue?

Now I obviously haven’t seen it yet however this movie is so formulaic that I can probably lay the plot out for you know.

1.    “Bright” idea – lets go to cheer camp instead
2.    Gross-out scene.
3.    Individual conquests by the boys
4.    More gross out “humor”
5.    Serious emotional moment
6.    Big finale
7.    Roll credits

I am so sick of seeing crap like this. Sure a gross out teen comedy can be funny. That has been proven. But Fired Up just seems like another very poor attempt in a saturated genre.

All About Steve

I have never really been a fan of romantic comedies. In fact I have a list of many, many things I would rather do than sit through one (Ask me about it sometime!). All About Steve is no exception to this rule.

In this excuse for a movie Sandra Bullock plays the same “quirky but oddly compelling” romantic lead that we have seen no less than thirty seven times before. In this outing she seems to follow a news cameraman across the country in order to woo him. Naturally over the course of the film he will come to love her quirks and they will both live happily ever after.
This reeks of “tired old premise.” Like most romantic comedies it is the age-old story of boy meets girl, they go through difficult times and comic mishaps, they laugh, they cry, they grow a little and they end up living happily ever after. The only thing special and unique about this one is… NOTHING!!!

Another thing about this bothers me. I don’t care how physically attractive your female lead is. A normal person would cut her off once they realized she was bat shit crazy. As soon as I find out that she is stalking me I would put a restraining order out on her. I wouldn’t want to get to know her unique and special charm and have her grow on me. It is much more likely that what she calls ‘charm’ is a front for a psychotic, bunny-boiling, nut!

Remember, first impressions are important. Mine tells me to run like hell from this train wreck.

Watchmen

Finally, Here is the one movie on this list that I am excited about. Watchmen follows a team of costumed vigilantes in an alternative 1985 that is on the brink of a full scale nuclear conflict with the soviet union. What starts with a simple murder mystery eventually reveals a plot that could endanger the entire world. All in a days work for a superhero, right?

This movie is probably the first blockbuster of 2009 and I have to admit, this is one that I will pony up the cash to see. I have read the original graphic novel and there is a reason that it is considered to be one of the best of all time. However I cannot help but shake the feeling that something about this movie will disappoint me. Maybe it is the fact that I have such high expectations, or maybe it is because of director Zack Snyder’s previous movie 300. I feel that if Snyder does his crazy slow motion/ fast motion bullcrap with Watchmen it could destroy what is a deep and compelling story. There is also the disturbing rumor that Mr. Snyder has changed the ending in order to make the story more engaging to modern audiences who wouldn’t understand the intricate details involved with angst and the cold war.  Now I understand that certain aspects of stories need to be adapted in order to play better on the big screen. However I cannot figure out how Watchmen could have any other ending than its original one. I suppose in this way I am a purist.

Watchmen has the potential to follow in the footsteps of The Dark Knight in terms of successful comic book movies. If it is done improperly however, we will see something closer to Ghost Rider. Either way this is one movie where I am forking over the twelve bucks to actually see it.

Comments

• February 15, 2009, Kathy writes: I really enjoyed your "pre-review" and appreciate that you not only will you save me the movie rental fee on these (when these short-lived films come to DVD or 'On Demand") but you will save me from wasting my time on them as well. But I just might tune in to "The Watchmen"...